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​This Isn’t Real Life…

By Pam Pollock

March, 2018

I got hit with that nasty stomach virus four days ago, right in the absolute middle of my crunch time deadline. Today is the first time that I have felt semi-human. For the 1st 37 hours, if I wasn’t running to the bathroom, (I know TMI), I was zonked out in my bed. Then I started to recover, albeit slowly, and would work for a couple of hours and then run to the couch to rest. I admit it; I watched a lot of TV. All of this TV viewing has left unanswered thoughts and questions racing through my head…

It’s no secret in my house that I LOVE Hallmark movies. My guys roll their eyes and head for the hills when I seize the television remote. They moan and groan and angrily ask, “How many of these dumb movies can you stand to watch?” Well, duh, obviously the answer is ALL. I want to watch all of them.

The other night my spouse admitted defeat and sat down in the middle of my movie marathon. In the beginning he feigned disinterest and then I noticed him on the edge of his seat, leaning intently towards the TV screen. And that’s when he remarked on something I had NEVER noticed. “Look at them kissing!” he exclaimed. “They are totally fake kissing and doing a weird side mouth thing.” And son-of-a-biscuit, he was right. Both of their mouths were closed and they had some strange side facial contortion going on. That’s not how it’s done in real life!

And why-oh-why do these people in the movies NEVER stop and fight it out when a conflict arises with either a hussy or ex-boyfriend appears on the doorstep or a boss steals their ideas? (And that happens, every.single.time) They just get these big puppy dog eyes and cue the dramatic music and they walk away. That wouldn’t fly with me!

Moving on to reality TV, how can these people survive being naked and afraid for 21 days and their hair still looks amazing? My hair was like a grease pit after 37 hours of being sick! And my stomach just roared after having gone without food and just a sip of water. This isn’t real life!

And come on, the Post Office really doesn’t have 4 people in a big basement somewhere trying to give happy endings to people and reunite them with letters or parcels, sometimes 20 years after the mail was lost. Hello, I’m still waiting on the bill from my newspaper printer that was lost in the mail almost 2 years ago. There’s been no happy reunion here! Although I do get al the good feels from watching Signed, Sealed and Delivered. But come on guys, you are not going to go from Washington, DC to Montana in a motorhome to return a camera and a stuffed dinosaur to a little boy. This isn’t real life!

I finally gave up on these shows and turned the channel to hockey. The players body slammed each other into the boards, tripped the other teams players, spit on the ice, had some brawls, and fist bumped each other when someone scored a goal. The coaches got annoyed and raised their eyebrows and voices and gave some fierce hand gestures to the linesmen. In the end, there was a heartwarming group hug when my beloved Pens won the game. Ahhhhh… now this is real life!