​You’re Killin’ Me, Smalls…(AKA The Column Where I Get To Complain About EVERYTHING)

Pam Pollock
May 2018

My daughter recently informed me (and a roomful of family members) that I have no filter. I actually do have a filter – but sometimes I choose to turn it off. It’s true, I do have a tendency to speak my mind and sometimes I just can’t sugarcoat my true feelings and emotions. More often than not, I will address the elephant in the room. And I am known as “Inappropriate Grandma”. What can I say, “I yam what I yam”, to paraphrase Popeye.

So, with that being said, I guess it’s time for a column about what drives me nuts. Grab some popcorn, sit back and enjoy the ride, it will be a bumpy one.

One of my biggest pet peeves is photographs – no surprise there, eh? People, people, people – put those camera settings on BEST RESOLUTION! Whether it’s a big mama, high tech digital camera, a point and shoot or your cellphone, ALWAYS choose the highest resolution in your settings. Trust me, you will love your results. Every.single.day I receive images in my email, and sometimes these photos are being sent from ad and public relation agencies, and the photos are incredibly low resolution, we’re talking kilobytes here – not even one megabyte and these photos are going to look HORRIBLE in newsprint. When I am talking about a high-resolution image, I expect that image size to be in my inbox at a minimum of 4 MB. You will be amazed at how beautiful your photos will be if you just take a minute or so of your time to adjust your camera settings to HIGH. Bonus points for me not sitting at my computer, pounding the keys and screaming obscenities for 10 minutes.

On the subject of photos, you can never take too many photos – and I should know, because I snap thousands and thousands of images every year. Take the extra time to frame your photo and for the love of all that is holy, stop taking the candids of people eating. That’s gross and never flattering. Instead, look through your camera lens and wait for that special moment that you want to capture for eternity. Take family generation photos whenever you have the chance, because that’s a pretty big deal to have 3 or 4 or even 5 generations together. Take detail shots at parties or just of your kids’ favorite toys. And nature – pull out that camera and shoot that amazing sunrise or sunset. Take photos of birds, rocks, and sky-high trees.

Next subject – dear grocery store, I realize that we are kind of in the middle of BFE – but come on, stop taking away what little limited selections of items stocked on your shelves. Bring back that yummy stir-fry kit, and the squash bisque soup and the flavored water. And open up more than 2 checkout registers!

Bras… where do I even start? I can’t, I just can’t. Is it so wrong of a chunky middle-aged granny to want to have her girlfriends pulled up and looking perky without the torture of being poked by underwires all day long? And why can’t we have pretty clothes patterns and shirts with sleeves that conceal our wobbly chicken fat arms?

Make the Kardashians go away – far, far away. Put all of the squabbling politicians in a gladiator ring and let them fight it out. Make it a law that television shows must start their new season on September 1st and cannot air any repeat episodes until May 31st.

If someone, coughPamcough likes their very old version of Word Document and InDesign software, then stupid computer companies should stop making it so that our computers can’t be updated until we lose the old and beloved versions from 2004. You’re killin’ me, Smalls! Killin’ me!!

I could gripe and moan and complain all day, but it’s deadline, so I will have to wind this up. My final whine is about truck shows. I LOVE seeing all of the spectacular trucks on the lots at the shows, but come on folks – please don’t set up your awnings and chairs right beside or behind your truck, it kills me shot every.single.time! Put away your coolers, your cleaning products and wipe rags. And don’t get me started on the spectators who clearly see that I am in the middle of framing a shot and they blatantly walk in front of me and then dilly dawdle for 5 minutes while pretending to be fascinated by the truck’s door handles. Please – move out of the way and I promise that I will have my photo in less than 15 seconds.

I’m done, rant over, peace out. And to my daughter, see - I kept my filter turned on the entire time and did not make any crude references about sex or getting it on like two monkeys. I can behave…