​Kiss The Cook (And Then Order Takeout)…

Pam Pollock
November 2017

It’s fall and people are slowly backing away from their outdoor grills (well, most people are done with throwing burgers and streaks on the open fire but there’s always some renegades, including my spouse, who are standing outside in -4º weather flipping a t-bone). Now is the time for pots of soup to be simmering on the stove. Cookbooks are being pulled from the shelves in preparation for Thanksgiving feasts.

And then there’s me. I am not doing any thing different because I LOATHE cooking. Nay, let me change that to HATE. I am actually scared of the kitchen and avoid it like the plague! Thankfully, my sweet hubby does over 98% of the cooking, in addition to planting a garden and doing all of the canning himself. He’s a keeper!

My Mom and I were talking the other day and she mentioned that, after being married for 62 years, it’s like a person in on auto-pilot and even though she’s 80 in a month, she goes out to the kitchen and just starts to cook. I will admit it; I was confused by this thought. Obviously I am lacking the culinary autopilot button. I blame my lacking of cooking skills on my Mom. (Sorry to throw you under the bus, Mom!) She is a fabulous cook and I grew up with homemade buns and cinnamon rolls, homemade noodles, donut muffins, the best sugar cookies in the world – and on and on and on. My Mom is also very neat and tidy. Again, I am lacking that gene. On the very rare occasion that I would actually venture into the kitchen realm, she would hustle me out of their so fast because she didn’t like my messes.

I got married when I was 21 years old and I did not know how to use a can opener! I called my Mom early in the days of my marriage to ask how to make a hamburger patty! I burned just about everything that I attempted to cook. At the time, there was a little store across the road from our house and the running joke with the clerks was, “Ruh, roh, she tried to cook again” when Steve would run over for an Augustine’s frozen pizza. We ate a lot of those pizzas. And that’s pretty much when Steve just took over the cooking duties.

Nowadays, Pinterest boards are all the rage. I love Pinterest! Most people have boards devoted to personal style, house decorating and yes, cooking. I have boards created for party, costume and photography ideas. Well, I did make a board called, “Food, Glorious Food!” It contains links on how to make Magical Unicorn Poop, biscuit pizzas, Smores dip and cooking corn on the cob in the microwave…

Another confession, I freak out whenever I am invited to a party and I have to bring a covered dish. It literally throws me into a tailspin! I mean, you guys, I am supposed to actually put food in that dish? Food that I should make? Noooooo! Confession time, I usually find something from the grocery store and take it. I used to take the food out of the store container and put it one of the my dishes, but that’s too much work so now I just plop that puppy down on the counter and with my glaring eyes, I dare anyone to say something. Usually they don’t because I have my camera and I took photos of the day.

In a few short weeks, families will be gathering around dining room tables, holding hands and giving thanks for the bountiful feast before their eyes. And me? I will be secretly be wishing that I was being served a Chef Boyardee Pizza! Bon Appetit! And don’t forget to thank the chef!